On Sunday night, after I fed Marley a warm bottle and kissed her goodnight, I stood over my stove, making spaghetti sauce, and talked to Travis about how I felt such a sadness. And a few tears rolled down my cheek as he told me how proud he was of me...for nursing Miss Marley for a whole year, for helping her to be the healthy baby that she is today, for saving us money (hehe) on formula. And before you know it, I was sobbing. Hands over my face, crying so hard that I could barely breathe. I don't know why exactly. But I do. It started from the day she was born...struggling to breastfeed her because she couldn't latch on. And shortly thereafter, she became a pro. Such a good little eater. I remember sitting in my rocking chair at home with her when she was only days old, my mom and sister sitting in the room with me, and literally falling asleep while I nursed her. They asked me if I needed a nap and I said no. I LOVED being with her! We spent countless hours sitting together on the couch, in the dark living room, watching the early news...and by early, I mean 4am. When her colic kicked into high gear at around 4 months, I soothed her to sleep. I helped to calm her after all of the icky shots and trips to the pediatrician. And I just look back and think...this darling little human being gained weight and grew up and learned to crawl and then walk, all because I nourished her tiny body. And so I am proud of myself, very proud. But I am sad too. There is a sense of loss that I can't explain. I know that we have forged a bond that will never be broken, but with the end of nursing comes a feeling, for me, that I am not as "needed". And that breaks my heart in the tiniest of ways.
And so this last year was just a short moment in time, but one that I will always remember. Tomorrow morning, when I wake up and "feed" Marley for the very last time, I will soak it all in and remember all that we have been through together! She is a big girl, strong and healthy, and ready to be on her own now! I know she will do fine and I will always be very proud of this accomplishment.
As more proof of how well she is doing in the eating department...here is Miss Mars after what Uncle Jess calls THE SPAGHETTI MASSACRE OF 2011!!! Love her!!!
Stevie, this blog post made me want to cry. I totally get everything you are saying and I've only been breast feeding for a third of what you did. Every moment is precious with them and I know I will probably sob just the same when we decide to wean. It's like the bond is breaking between you two but you have to think of how many new bonds will be made. When she starts telling you how much she loves you, gives you the best hugs, and starts drawing you pictures that will melt your heart and cover the fridge. :) She is looking so big and we really hope you and the family are doing great! Love, Heather
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you Boogs:) Marley still 'needs' you and I know you will always be there for her:)! Nursing is a great bond and it is sad when the day comes to an end but you will find other moments in time that will melt your heart as well just as Heather said. It's all part of the journey of Motherhood and you will be OK and Marely may not remember but I am sure she would say "Thank You Mommy for taking care of me for the last year and nourishing me! You are the best Mommy EVER and I LOVE YOU":) Now go have a relaxing time on your trip and share lots of laughs with that Hubby of yours;)!
ReplyDelete